The Lonely Wife: How Did We Get Here?

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Chapter 1

How did we get here? Somehow or another, life has drawn a wedge between us. What once began as a life of love and laughter has now become a life of assumption. How did we get here? There is not another woman and certainly not another man. So what is it?
We keep up this façade, because everybody’s looking at our “role model” marriage. They assume that we are so happy. “How do they do it?” they ask.
“She is so lucky to have him.”
“I wish my husband was like that.” They compare.
Do they really? I question, as they envy our perfect marriage. There used to be a time, when I’d agree. When did it change? Why and why did I stop agreeing when I had what everybody else wanted? When did I actually start losing interest?
Was it when you left the toilet seat up and I fell in? Maybe it was the time you left the wet towel on my side of the bed and I had to sleep in the damp spot? Was the time you shaved and didn’t clean off the sink? No – it’s none of that.
Night after lonely night, I pondered when and why I started to lose interest. I love you with everything in me and could not, would not imagine my life without you. Yet there is something. What – what is it God?
This is the man that I prayed for day after day. The only man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. No one can talk like him. No one can make me smile the way he can. No one can hold me like him and surely no one can – well you know. Somehow, something’s changed. The very thought of him touching me has now become repulsing. Why?
We’re not supposed to be here so soon. Nobody prepared me for this. There was no rulebook given after the ceremony. Mother never told me about the bad stuff. Maybe, that’s why daddy left her after only four years into their marriage. I promised myself that I would never be like her and I had done a good job, up until last year.
While we were in counseling, we hung on to his every word. Even read all the books. We took the financial sessions and promised to follow all their advice. We even had a five year plan. Humph – year five. Now what?
Life has put me in a place where I choose not to be. Demanding things I don’t want to give. Forcing me to make decisions I don’t want to make. Now, I ponder. I question. I complain. I’m angry, but somehow, I have to keep it together. I can’t break this early in the game. Here we are in the fifth year of our marriage and I despise the very thing that God has joined together. Yes, I now know what the Bible says; What God has joined together, let no man put asunder, but no man has put us under.
Secretly, I think about the – you know, the “D” word. I can’t say it, because when you are a Christian, it’s not supposed to be a part of your vocabulary, “but.”
Humph, there’s that word again, “BUT” – a word that confounds us. It almost makes us who we are. This is a word that complicates everything. According to it, there is supposed to be a contingency plan. Insinuating, a plan B. Well guess what, I don’t have a plan B. Now what? How did we get here?